Out of our heads and into our hearts
Posted by Corey Kaster on November 29, 2014
Time to let it all out… First… This Facebook post sums up a lot of my thoughts, but I feel I need to expand a bit more.
Ok… It’s Monday of a short week and no one is focusing on work anyway, so I am starting a discussion. The purpose of this is NOT for people to rant, but offer contributions that can help us all.
I have noticed for a while now many guys have a difficult time handling/communicating feelings. Chatting with a friend I realized it makes perfect sense. From childhood girls hurt themselves and are told, “oh, honey, it’s ok” and boys are told, “get up and shake it off.” As males grow up it is reinforced by “don’t be so mushy” “don’t be so soft” “don’t be such a woman” “buck up.” Sexism aside, it has put gay guys at a SEVERE disadvantage in friendships and potential relationships (that weird thing where you see a romantic interest more than once.)
My thoughts so far are we need to start a movement and spread the word that it is OK to be mushy/soft/share feelings/be open/dare I even say… ask for a hug! Also, we all should be careful in our responses when guys share things. Think about things from their perspective. They aren’t sharing because they want you to tell them to “buck up.” They are sharing because they need an ear to listen, support, a shoulder to cry on, or some advice.
Also, it is scary to share things with new people (dates, friends, etc.) but courage to do so is what is the true strength! Share and listen. No one is perfect and we all are real human beings – don’t toss someone aside because of their “issues.” I am not saying take everyone on as a project and definitely put them in touch with professional resources if they need it, but just listening without judgement can be more powerful than we realize.
We all have baggage/issues and if we don’t work through them with each other we are all destined to just be shallow fuck-rabbits with all our feelings bottled up inside until we snap/fall into deep depression/loneliness. Let it out and let us all heal/grow together.
Please share your thoughts/insights!
Perhaps the only thing I want to add is that I have continually been told I get too emotionally involved with people I date. I have done a lot of work on myself over the last few weeks (after being dropped like a flaming bag of poo by yet another guy I started dating) and uncovered some things.
First, I had a fear of people I care about vanishing. This stems from a situation with my biological dad when I was a kid where he continually would reach out when he wanted to hang out, but wouldn’t even respond when I reached out. Now, the first step was to forgive him, which I finally did a couple weeks ago after a cathartic meditation where I realized I had been holding onto that issue for 26+ years. Next was to release the connection I had drawn to guys I have dated to him in that any time I started to get emotionally involved with a guy this fear started to crop up. Now of course this was reinforced by the fact I am single, so inherently there have been a lot of guys that have vanished.
Once I processed through that crap things got a little bit easier. Then I got to thinking how emotionally involved should I be with guys I date. It seems like the advice I receive is, “date a bunch of guys at once so you don’t get attached to any one of them” or, “guys are dumb… Just realize that and don’t get attached.”
At first I took this to heart because it seemed to make sense. Now the more I dive into it I am realizing it might all be bullshit. What if instead of my caring too much everyone else cares too little? How are people supposed to date and get to know each other if they don’t become emotionally involved? It seems that people have gone from not believing in love at first sight to not being able to love at all. Or, perhaps after 10-15 dates and they know the guy isn’t going to vanish, then they will just start to open up.
I am sorry, but I am not going to last 10-15 dates with someone that doesn’t seem emotionally available. I am not saying fall for someone on the first date, but why not be open to it? Perhaps we should all quit trying to wrap ourselves in bubble wrap and actually be emotionally available. People seem to have forgotten the adage – love like you have never been hurt before.
Let’s spend more time in our hearts than our heads.